隔着屏幕尽孝

上周末我回去看了叔叔阿姨，坐了一个下午才走。要走的时候我才发现，阳台的灯早就坏了，这两个星期天一黑，两个人就不敢出去，可是谁都没跟你说。志远，你几乎每天晚上都跟他们视频，一说就是半个多小时，我一直觉得你挺不容易的。不过说实话，我也一直想问你，天天视频，这样算不算尽孝？我不是说你做得不够，就是好奇你自己怎么想。

I went back last weekend and visited your parents, sat with them for a whole afternoon. Right as I was leaving I noticed the balcony light had been broken for a while, and for two weeks now they don't dare go out once it gets dark, but neither of them said a word to you about it. Zhiyuan, you video call them almost every night, and you talk for a good half hour each time. I've always thought that's not easy for you. But honestly, I've also always wanted to ask, does calling every day count as being a good son?

这个问题我自己也想过很多次。我几乎没有一天不视频，不管多忙，睡觉前一定跟他们说说话，问问今天吃了什么，身体怎么样，屏幕里能看见他们的脸，我心里就踏实一点。而且我每个月都按时给他们打赡养费，其实这也是赡养的一种方式。我知道视频代替不了你每个星期过去坐一坐，可是我也想问你，陪伴是不是一定要人到场才算数？

I've thought about this question myself, many times. I hardly miss a single day of video calling, no matter how busy I am, right before bed I make sure to talk with them, ask what they ate today, how they're feeling, and seeing their faces on the screen puts my mind at ease. And every month I send them money on time, which is really a form of supporting them too. I know a video call can't replace you going over and sitting with them every week, but let me ask you something too, does companionship have to mean showing up in person to count?

话是这么说，可是两个星期，他们天天开着手机等你视频，却没跟你说过一句。我后来才想明白，屏幕里看得到的，永远是他们想让你看到的那一面。你问身体怎么样，他们当然说挺好；问吃了什么，他们也一定说吃得香。真正麻烦的事，反而是我正好在旁边看见的。

That's true in theory, but for two weeks they sat there with the phone on waiting for your call every night and never said a word about it. It was only afterward that I understood, whatever the screen shows you is always the side they want you to see. When you ask how they're feeling, of course they say they're fine, when you ask what they ate, of course they say it was delicious. The real trouble is exactly the kind of thing that I happened to notice by being right there.

我确实不知道这件事，说实话，听你这么说，我心里挺难受的。不过我想说的是，这跟距离没有必然关系，就算天天住在一起，爸妈如果不想说，孩子也不一定知道。这次是我运气好，有你在旁边替我多注意了一下，我很感谢你。可是我也想问你，那是不是只有天天守在父母跟前，才算尽孝？那些像我这样，是独生子女，工作也没办法离开大城市的人，难道就注定做不到吗？

I really didn't know about that, and honestly, hearing you say it makes me feel awful. But what I want to say is, this isn't necessarily about distance, even if you lived together every day, if your parents didn't want to tell you something, you still might not know. This time I got lucky that you happened to notice it for me, and I'm really grateful to you. But let me ask you this too, does that mean only someone who stays right by their parents' side counts as filial? Are people like me, an only child with no way to leave the big city for work, simply doomed to fail at this?

我没有怪你的意思，工作走不开是事实，这我完全理解。我也不是说你必须辞职回来。我想说的是，以前的孝顺，本来就包括天天守在跟前，现在没有人能做到这一点，可是尽孝也不能只剩下一个视频。你说屏幕里能看见他们的脸，可是屏幕外面没被看到的，会不会才是真正的样子？

I'm not blaming you, not being able to leave your job is a real constraint, I understand that completely. I'm not saying you have to quit and move back either. What I'm saying is, filial devotion used to include being there in person every day, and nobody can manage that anymore, but it still can't be reduced to just a video call. You say the screen lets you see their faces, but couldn't whatever the screen doesn't show be the truer picture?

建华，这个担心有道理，我承认。可是我也想请你想一想，这么多年，我没有一天不视频，不管加班到多晚，不管有多累，我都会找时间跟他们说上几句。这种一天都不落下的坚持，本身也是一种态度，跟你每星期才能过去一次相比，也不见得轻松。如果一定要说，人不在场就等于没尽孝，那外面那些出差、留学、工作调到国外的独生子女，是不是都要被说成不孝？

Jianhua, that worry is fair, I'll admit it. But I want you to consider this too, for years now I haven't missed a single day of video calling, no matter how late I'm working or how exhausted I am, I always find the time to talk with them for a bit. Never once letting a day slip is itself a kind of commitment, and it isn't necessarily easier than the one time a week you manage to go over. If we're going to say that not being physically present means failing at filial duty, then does that mean everyone out there on business trips, studying abroad, or transferred overseas, all only children like me, should be called unfilial?

你这么一问，我也没有标准答案。可能这个时代的尽孝，本来就得靠两个人才能拼成完整的一份：一个人负责每天不断的陪伴和该给的钱，另一个人负责在旁边，负责发现阳台的灯坏了这种小事。谁都替代不了谁。

You put it that way and I don't have a clean answer either. Maybe in this day and age, being a good child can only add up to a whole when two people share it, one person handles the daily, unbroken companionship and the money that has to be sent, the other handles being there in person, noticing small things like a broken balcony light. Neither one can replace the other.

这个说法我同意。那以后我尽量一年多回去两趟，多分担一点，不能什么都靠你。不过就算这样，我每个月赡养他们的钱也不会少，我也不会不视频，因为那对我来说不是敷衍，是每天真实的陪伴，跟你每周过去一样真实。

I agree with that. So going forward I'll try to go back twice a year instead of once, take on more of the load, I can't leave it all to you. But even so, I won't stop sending them money every month either, and I won't stop video calling, because to me that isn't going through the motions, it's real companionship every single day, just as real as you going over every week.

我相信你说的是真心话。不过我还想问你，我好歹还有个哥哥，以后这件事我们俩能分担；你是独生子女，以后爸妈年纪越来越大，事情只会越来越多，真要全压在你一个人身上，光靠视频，够用吗？

I believe you mean that sincerely. But let me ask you one more thing, I at least have a brother, and the two of us can split this going forward. You're an only child, and as your parents get older things are only going to add up. If it all really does fall on you alone, will video calls alone be enough?

这个问题我现在真的没有答案。也许以后得想办法把爸妈接到我这边，或者我自己想办法调回去，可是这两件事眼下都做不到。能做的，只有先把眼前这两件事做好：我每天的视频不能停，你每星期的探望也不能停，这两样加起来，才勉强算是尽孝。

Honestly, I don't have an answer to that right now. Maybe someday we'll find a way to bring them to live near me, or I'll find a way to get transferred back, but neither of those is possible right now. All I can do is make sure the two things in front of me keep happening, my video call every day can't stop, and your visit every week can't stop either. Add those two together, and that's barely enough to count as being good children to them.